How to Be Heard in Your Relationship

by Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C; seasoned couples counselor and practice owner https://www.baltimoretherapycenter.com/

https://www.dreamstime.com/preoccupied-confused-couple-women-men-talking-phone-exchanging-many-negative-thoughts-confused-couple-woman-image118965066

A common complaint among women in relationships is that they struggle to communicate with their partner; they don’t feel heard. Certainly a part of this is the way men and women are socialized different in our society. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it. Even if you get the feeling your partner isn’t interested/willing/able to listen to you, there are things you can do to improve the situation. Read on to learn how to finally be heard in your relationship!

1. Time It Right

One simple way in which women tend to blow the communication thing is just timing it wrong. The classic example is the man who walks in from a long day at work only to be accosted by his wife’s complaints about her day with the kids/her boss/her mom/etc.

This is actually a very understandable situation for those women who are at home with young

children and spend most of the day without speaking to an adult – you’re dying for adult human contact! But it also happens with anyone who’s looking to reconnect to their partner after having a tough day in any circumstances.

If your partner had their own challenging day, the reality is they’re not in place to hear your stuff right at that moment. Waiting a half hour until they’ve had a chance to grab a bite to eat, go to the bathroom, maybe check their phone, etc. can make a big difference.

And there are other times that just don’t work. First thing in the morning. Right as he’s trying to go to bed. Just before he leaves for work. These are not good times to try to tell your partner what’s on your mind (and certainly not if it’s about “The Relationship”).

Oh, and let’s not forget any time he’s hungry. Most people, and men especially, are much less pleasant when they’re hungry (hangry?). Communicating about relational issues is rarely so urgent that it can’t wait for someone to get a snack.

2. Talk about yourself

Does this sound counterintuitive? Here’s what I mean.

Often when we have an issue with our partner or the relationship, we try to explain to our

partner what’s wrong. “You never listen to me.” “You’re always out with your friends.” This kind of language is rarely effective in helping you to be heard in your relationship.

When you talk about your partner, you are inviting them to argue with you.

You have likely had the experience of getting back an answer to such a comment that sounds like, “What are you talking about? We went out last weekend just the two of us!” Whether or not this is accurate, you’re now debating with each other, and that doesn’t help you feel any better.

Instead, talk about yourself.

“I feel unheard.” “I’ve been feeling a lonely in this relationship lately.” When you tell your partner how you feel, you are inviting them to care about you.

The trick is to use “I-statements” – these start with “I” and continue with a feeling you’re having.

Note that “I feel like you don’t care about me” isn’t actually a feeling, it’s an assessment. If you can switch out the word “feel” for the word “think,” you’re not on the right track. (see this helpful link for examples of feelings https://feelingswheel.com/)

Part of the reason you’re not being heard is because your partner is getting defensive as soon as you start telling them what’s wrong. Defensiveness is quite the opposite of receptiveness.

3. Tell Your Partner What You Need

If what you need is to be heard, you need to make that clear. Because when presented with a

problem, people – and this is especially true of men – will try to fix it. It can be awfully annoying if that’s not what you’re looking for. (Watch It's Not About The Nail https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg for an excellent, exaggerated, but still very true presentation of this dynamic.)

When you vent to your partner about your jerk boss (https://www.psychiatryforwomen.org/post/when-work-drains-your-soul-burnout-vs-depression), you know full well you could leave and get a job elsewhere if you wanted. You know you can call HR. You’re not looking for a solution. You're looking for a little TLC. A little empathy.

What you often get instead is, “You know, you could always leave and get a job somewhere

else. Hey, have you tried calling HR?”

This can be avoided by telling your partner clearly up front, “Honey, I’ve got some stuff on my mind I was hoping to vent about a little. Not looking for any solutions. Can you just listen in for a bit?” If you tell them what you want, you’re much more likely to get it.

This is also relevant when there actually is some kind of solution you are looking for. Some

people – and here’s it’s especially women – find it hard to make a direct request. They say

things like, “are you cold?” when what they mean is, “could we turn down the thermostat?”

But when you soft-pedal it like that, you probably aren’t going to be heard. At least, not the way you wanted. You’ll probably get back something like, “No, not really. I’m comfortable, thanks.”

And then they’re back to their phone.

Ladies: men are pretty dense. We don’t get hints. Please save yourself the trouble and just tell us what you want.

That sounds like this: “Hey, I’m a little cold. Can I turn down the thermostat?” If you struggle with the confidence or self-esteem to make straightforward requests, it might be worth considering talking to a coach or therapist to figure out what’s holding you back. (And if you’re in an abusive relationship where making a simple request can get you in serious trouble, please seek help rather than working on your communication style!)

The Bottom Line: How to Be Heard in Your Relationship

The way you try to communicate with your partner, and the time you try to do it, can make a big difference in how successful you are at getting heard. That said, you don’t have to be perfect.

Small, incremental changes will get you where you want to go over time.

And of course, your partner plays a role here too. Your first responsibility is to work on yourself; but getting help as a couples makes plenty of sense, if your partner’s willing; seeking outcouples counseling in Baltimore is certainly a helpful addition to the process.

When you learn to approach the conversation in a way your partner can actually receive, you

give yourself a much better chance of feeling understood, connected, and heard. And that can make all the difference.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C is the director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, where he helps couples

patch up their relationships every day. For more communication help check out his book The

Couples Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted (the first two chapters are available for free https://www.amazon.com/Couples-Communication-Handbook-Learned-Marriage/dp/B0DMSDNQW2)!